Asking this question on a first date is ‘socially unacceptable,’ dating coach says

In her three years as a dating coach Kelsey Wonderlin has learned that the majority of the 200 people she’s counseled care about how much their potential mate earns.

“A lot of my clients, who tend to be women in finance, say ‘I want someone who can keep up with my lifestyle,'” she says.

Evaluating a person based on their salary might seem shallow, but how someone spends their money can be a bellwether of their priorities. And it’s actually smart to discuss values or strongly held beliefs early on, Wonderlin says.

However, outright asking how much a person makes on a first date is not the right way, or the right time, to figure out if you two align on how you handle money.

“On a first date that would be a socially unacceptable question to ask,” Wonderlin says.

Even if they tell you, the answer can be misleading as a person’s salary is just one data point and might not reflect how they relate to money as a whole. It is oftentimes choices around finances, not the income amount itself, that causes friction.

“It’s an unrealistic viewpoint that if someone makes this certain number everything will be great,” Wonderlin says. “Having a big income disparity could be a big challenge, but an equally hard challenge would be a difference in values of how you spend money and how you save money.”

You can pose more subtle questions to learn if your date shares the same financial habits as you do.

Wonderlin suggest asking: “What do you like to spend your money on?”

A person who answers that they like to travel might have different priorities from someone who says they like to splurge on the newest Apple product. A date who says they’re working toward buying a house probably has an entirely different set of goals.

If someone doesn’t have a straightforward answer, that also indicates a specific mindset.

“If they don’t have a lot to say it’s like, ‘Is this person even thinking the way I think?'” Wonderlin says.

If you want to be more straightforward, talk about why dating someone with similar saving or spending tendencies is important to you.

“You can say, ‘It’s a nonnegotiable for me that someone is financially stable,'” Wonderlin says. Then, expand by discussing how you like to handle your money.

Being so forthcoming might put some people off, but the right person will be OK with this level of transparency.

Want to master your money this fall? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course. We’ll teach you practical strategies to hack your budget, reduce your debt, and grow your wealth. Start today to feel more confident and successful. Use code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off, now extended through September 30, 2024, for the back-to-school season.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.